You are disgusting. Sort yourself out.
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That’s no way to talk to a lady lol…
That’s bloody hilarious 
A bloke goes to the store to buy condoms. “Would you like a bag?”, the cashier asks “No thanks”, said the bloke, “she’s not that ugly”… 
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I once hit up a sheila for a bit of action, she said “I’m willing if you can assure me that you have the stamina to last longer than my last lover”.
I said “Hmm, well I can honestly say that I once spent about 9 months inside a woman if that helps you with the decision ?”. 
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What’s wrong DD? What’s got you down? Come here…place your head snuggly in my warm man-boobage and tell me all your problems.
Its okay to cry.
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A young bloke from Tasmania married an 18 year old girl and they went on their honeymoon.
He came back alone a few days later and sat down to dinner, not saying a word.
His dad asked him, “Where’s ya wife son ?”
The son said “It turned out she was a virgin dad, so I divorced her.”
The proud father stands up, shakes his sons hand and said “You gone and done did real good son !, If she ain’t good enough for her family, she ain’t good enough for ours either !”
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A bloke from the NT walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
” I’ll make you all deal, I’ll open this crocodile’s mouth and place my manhood inside. The croc will close his mouth for one minute and then he’ll open his mouth and I’ll remove my old fella unscathed. In return for witnessing this amazing spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink ”…
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his old fella in the crocodile’s open mouth, the croc closed it’s mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head and the croc opened it’s mouth and the man removed his old fella unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
After he finished his first beer the man stood up again and made another offer. “ I’ll give anyone who’s willing to give it a try $100 ”…
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back corner of the bar and a little blonde chick timidly spoke up…
” I’ll give it a try, Just don’t hit me so hard with the beer bottle ! ”…
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The ATO decided to audit an old bloke and summons him to the ATO office.
The ATO auditor was not surprised when he showed up with his lawyer.
The auditor said “Well sir, It has been reported that you live an extravagant lifestyle and it is also noted that you are on the pension. You explain it by saying that you win lots of money gambling, we here at the ATO find that very unlikely and rather hard to believe !”…
“But Its the truth, I’m a great gambler and I can prove it” said the old bloke “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said “Okay, go ahead prove it if you can and in the event that you can completely convince me we will never bother you again.”
The old bloke said “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and said “It’s a bet.”
The old bloke removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
The old bloke then said “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell the old bloke isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
The old bloke removes his dentures and uses them to bite his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with the old blokes lawyer as a witness and starts to get nervous.
”Want to go double or nothing?” the old bloke asks ? “I’ll bet you that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that bin on the other side of the desk and not get a single drop on your desk in the process.”
The auditor, twice burned, is really cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that, so he agrees again.
So the old bloke stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but it quickly becomes apparent that he can’t make the stream reach the bin on the other side at all and urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The ATO auditor leaps up with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
Suddenly the old bloke’s lawyer lets out a loud sigh and puts his head in his hands.
”Are you okay?” the ATO auditor asks.
”Not really” said the lawyer “This morning, when this old prick told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me fifty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”
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A little girl was leaning into a lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, all under the eyes of her screaming parents:
A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A BBC reporter, Laura Kuenssberg, had watched the whole event.
Laura, addressing the Harley rider says. "Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.”
The Harley rider replies. "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
Miss Kuenssberg. "Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a BBC journalist, you know and tomorrow’s news will run this story. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”
The biker replies. "I’m a British Army veteran, a Conservative and I voted for Brexit.”
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker turns on BBC News to see if it indeed brings news of his actions.
BBC Headline: RIGHT WING UK VETERAN ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.
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THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY AN AUSTRALIAN GIRL
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Australia. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees…
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A bloke and his wife walked into the dentist’s office.
The bloke said to the dentist “ I’m in one hell of a big hurry mate! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for me to go deer hunting, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the darn tooth and be done with it… I don’t have time to waste waiting for any bloody anesthetic to work ! ”
The dentist thought to himself, my god this bloke is sure one very brave and tough man, asking me to pull a tooth without using anything to kill the pain.
The dentist said “OK then mate that’s fine with me” and asked him “ So which tooth is it? ”
The bloke turned to his wife and said ”Open your darn mouth honey and show him which bloody tooth it is”…
downhill spiral right here.
Michelle and her husband Frank went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Michelle went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem that they’d ever had in the 25 years of marriage. She went on and on and on and on, neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage…
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a considerable length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and asked Michelle to stand up, he embraced her, kissing and fondling her passionately as her husband Frank watched with a raised eyebrow…
After a few minutes the therapist stepped away.
The therapist then turned to Frank and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week to keep her happy… Can you do this for her?”…
Frank thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I guess if it will get her off my back, I can drop her off here on Monday’s and Wednesday’s, but on Friday’s I go hunting with the boys. Do you make house calls by any chance?”…
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10 year old Bobby was alone in the farmhouse as his parents had gone into town.
Suddenly there was a knock at the front door, he opened it to find their neighbor, Mr. Dicks, with a worried look on his face.
“Hi, Bobby, Is your daddy home? I really need to talk to him”.
“No, Mr. Dicks. He and mum both went into town. If you tell me what you need, maybe I can help you. I know where everything is and I can even drive the tractor on my own now”.
Mr. Dicks shuffled his feet nervously and then said “Well, it’s about your older brother, Robert getting my daughter Afeelia pregnant”.
Bobby thought for a moment and then replied “Sorry, Mr. Dicks I cant help with that one, you will really need to talk to dad about that one. I know he charges $500 for the Bull and $50 for the Boar, but I really don’t know how much he would charge for Robert”…
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Due to the current upset situation caused by the Corona Virus in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your government who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
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Anyone else got one to post ?
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Try saying that one when you are pissed.
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- Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex. – They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch.
- Someone asked the other day how you spell “scrotum”, I replied ” you should have asked me last night as it was on the tip of my tongue”
- What does tofu and a dilldo have in common? They are both meat substitutes
- What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis? A penis
- What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students? A PDF file
- How is virginity like a soap bubble? One prick and it’s gone
- How is pubic hair like parsley? You push it to the side before you start eating.
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