Laughter is good medicine - Jokes

Confucius say squirrel who runs up woman’s leg not find nuts.

Confucius say fortune you seek is in another cookie

Confucius say there is one thing that all smart asses have in common wise cracks

Confucius say man who lay girl on hillside is not on the level.

Confucius say crossing dinosaur with a pig, will make Jurassic Pork.

Confucius say man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Confucius say some people are like blisters they dont show up until the work is done

Confucius say getting sick at the airport, could be a terminal illness.

Confucius say prostitute with a degree in psychology will blow your mind.

Confucius say it take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it.

Confucius say man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Confucius say many men bite, but Fu Man Chu.

Confucius say impotent loser is a man who can’t even get his hopes up.

Confucius say verbal outburst during the male orgasm is called ‘sperm wail.’

Confucius say who wants to kill a circus troupe, should go for the juggler.

Confucius say man who sleep like a baby doesnt have one.

Confucius say easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement

Confucius say foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Confucius say marriages are made in heaven so are thunder & lightning.

Confucius say Jamaican proctologist is called Pok-e-mon.

Confucius say man who not poop for many days must take care of back log.

Confucius say woman who sink in mans arms, soon have arms in mans sink.

Confucius say award winning dentist will be given a little plaque.

Confucius say people who say they never fart, are full of hot air.

Confucius say man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

Confucius say cow spying on another cow is called a steak out.

Confucius say kiss on the lips is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.

Confucius say passionate kiss like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Confucius say man who fall into an upholstery machine, eventually be fully recovered.

Confucius say he who sells feminine pads, is crack salesman.

Confucius say company who make women’s vibrators is called, Genital Electric.

Confucius say support bacteria is only culture some people have

Confucius say marriage is like game of poker you start with pair and end with full house.

Confucius say man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Confucius say question authority and the authorities will question you.

Confucius say he who stick head in open window get pane in neck

Confucius say woman who wear G-string, high on crack!




For this fritz the war rages on.

That Jefferson Ford on the left there, the dealer principal guy is a mad keen hunter. I went in for some parts for mums car and he noticed I had a camo jacket on (it was winter, and its all I own for cold weather) and asked me why. Had the coolest conversation for like half an hour.

Winston and Delroy have migrated from Kingston Town to start work in a new office in Los Angeles. Its their first day at work, as well as their first day in the USA.
“Hey you must be the new guys, Im Steve your new manager. Let me show you around. By the way, we’re having a fancy dress party on Friday, you fellas up for it?”

“Ja Mon, we be party arright”

“Okay cool, well you have to come dressed as ‘EMOTIONS’ okay? I’ll see you there!”


So Friday rocks up and Winston and Delroy head up to the office after learning about ‘emotions’ and crafting their costumes. The lift opens and the party is in full swing. All of a sudden the music comes to a record scratching halt and the guests stop and stare and gasp. Steve rushes over to see what the commotion is all about.

“Hey Winston! Delroy! You made it I’m so…WHOA WHAT THE FUCK?”

“Stevie mon, we crawb up di party Ja!”

“Guys, I said it was a fancy dress party! What the hell is this?”

Winston is naked from the waist down except for a bowl of custard strapped to his groin. Delroy has a smashed up pear over his erect penis. Steve is in shock.

“I don’t understand. I said to come dressed as emotions…wha…what is this guys?”

Winston replied sharply “Yo, I’m fucking dis custard, and Delroy well, he’s come in dis pear”






I’ve left, I’ve left!

Where there is a will, there’s a way.

Don’t feed her!

I stormed into the kitchen and announced to the wife, "from now on, you need to know that I’m the man of this house and my word is law.
You will do as your told and tonight you will prepare me a gourmet meal and when I’m done eating my meal, you will serve me a delectable dessert.
After that, you will take me into the bedroom and preform any sex act that your told. Then you will run a nice bath and fetch me an icy cold beer so I can relax. You will trim my toenails, wash my back, then towel my dry and fetch me my robe. Then you will massage my feet while I drink some more beers. Then tomorow guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair ?..

Then completely out of left field, she replied, “the fuckin’ funeral director would be my first guess”… :open_mouth: wtf’s her problem, sheesh… :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye: :roll_eyes:

Anyone got some jokes ? I could really do with a laugh, been a rough day. :slightly_frowning_face:


Stop sulking and wear your mask.





Keep em coming… :+1:


1 Like

Probably my favorite joke ever…

Two mates camping in the mountains had spent four weeks together and they were getting a little testy.

One morning Neil said,

“You know we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves, so why don’t we split up today. I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight we’ll meet back up to have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.”

Bob agrees and hikes south.

That night over dinner Neil tells his story,

“Today I hiked into a beautiful valley and I followed a stream until I found a crystal clear mountain lake. I went for a swim and then I sat down on a log to dry out and have lunch. Whilst eating lunch I watched several deer come and drink from the lake. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and wedge tail eagles floated all day overhead. How was your day?”

Bob said,

“I headed south and eventually ran across a set of railroad tracks so I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and then we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. When I was so tired I could barely move, I headed back to camp.”

“Wow!!” Neil exclaimed, “Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?” …

“Nah,” said Bob eating his meal, “I couldn’t find her head.”…:joy: